FAPWARE

About Us

 

Snake Sausage.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION

IF you are UNDER 18 years old . . .

IF you find adult content OFFENSIVE . . .

IF you are NOT into humor, parody, and/or

SELF-pleasuring, aka MASTURBATION, scares the bejezus outta ya . . .

Do. Not.ENTER.
Credits
The following modification has been made to this image: the filename has been changed to conform to the Fapware.com naming convention.

Female: Pixabay – Pexels. Free for reuse, even commercially. URL: https://pixabay.com/photos/adult-artistic-sexy-body-beautiful-1869791/ .

Peeking Behind the Pixels

What To Expect

If you are coming to Fapware.com looking for silly dick pics, in your face lady parts, graphics designed to make the most hardened, of hardened psychopaths blush, think again.

Permit us to remind you.

You’ve come to the wrong place.

The door’s that away.

Anything remotely resembling what might be considered wild, wooly, racey, raunchy, dare we say, (mildly) pornographic though we sincerely believe that what is, or is not, offensive is in the eyes of the beholderwon’t be found on Fapware.com.

We are definitely into cute, clever, and witty. Dare we say, utilitarian? So what might be construed as risqué – if only a little bit or ever so slightly – this kind  of material will be found several layers deep on our site.

Meaning?

By the time you happen upon something (possibly???} objectionable, you will have clicked on enough buttons and links to KNOW – even if you don’t but we will, thanks to Google Analytics – that you didn’t end up there by accident.

On the off-chance, some enterprising individual has linked to a NSFW page / image / cartoon because we DO want you to share our content (that’s why we are creating it in the first place), and you happen upon it and find, it’s not to your liking, then we sincerely apologize for any discomfort we may have caused but please don’t say we didn’t warn you. We have done our best to put out lots of red flags.

Even easily offended Snowflakes are aware that once something is released on the internet, especially in isolation and out of context, not only is it impossible to claw back but you have little or no control on how it might be used, abused or misconstrued.

Again, we apologize for any potential unease but that part of the web, the inability to control the message, is what we most like about it and we will do our best to defend your right to use our content – some exceptions may apply, depending on the circumstances – however, whenever, where ever and with whomever you choose.

We just ask that you err on the side of caution.

It’s best to keep in mind, we don’t all think alike (look alike, act alike, live alike) and thank God for that!

How Often Will We Be Posting?

Best get this over with and ‘fess up . . . before any misunderstandings or unrealistic expectations take root.

“No idea.”

“Yup. You heard that right. We have no friggin’ idea.”

The plan is to release a newly minted cartoon every Monday and product review(s) on Wednesdays. Fridays are reserved for Fun time. Natch. Hey, the expression “Thank God for Fridays,” didn’t coming into being for naught.

As for the rest, it’s TBA.

And weekends will be set aside for _fill_in_the_blank_.

You’ll just have to wait and see.

But to be honest, at this juncture, everything is up for grabs.

If a celebrity-among-celebrities were to give an interview on one of the late night shows – no names to protect the innocent – where he or she endorsed a particular brand of sex toy, and it so happened we had a review of said product sitting in the hopper waiting for the bean counters and the copyright police to sign off, we might be inclined to expedite the process and publish our review ahead of schedule. You know. To take advantage of all of the hoopla and get a jump on the proverbial bandwagon. Who wouldn’t?

OTOH, if Mike Pence or someone of his ilk, were to be elected President of the United States and he issued an executive order banning solo sex and decided to use his bully pulpit to prohibit the sale of various unmentionable accoutrements used in the pursuit of sexual gratification … we wouldn’t just stand there with our fingers up our derrière’s. Hell no! Nor would we let something like that go unchallenged. If such an egregious over reach of power grabbing were to take place, we’d get political. Damn fast too.

All we can say at this juncture is, hold on to your girdles. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

We’ll do our best to publish on a regular basis so you know what to expect and when to expect it, but until we work out some of the kinks and have a better idea of what we are in for, we daren’t make any promises we can not keep.

Where Do We See Ourselves?

. . . in say 1, 2, or 5 years from now? With a whole lotta luck and lotsa hard work, still dutifully grinding away and churning out another edition of The Weakly Fap.

Or, so we hope.

But with global unrest causing all kinds of panic and upheaval, it’s anyone’s guess as to where we’ll be and what we’ll be doing.

For the present, developing Fapware.com is top of the heap.

A mind-numbing worldview notwithstanding, we prefer to look on the bright side.

Call it myopic if you will but this is a website dedicated to the finer points surrounding solo sex, not nuclear disarmament or corporate malfeasance.

As far as we’re concerned, the world is our oyster.

We don’t wish to get ahead of ourselves but if there is interest in establishing a chapter of Fappaholics Anonymous in Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland, we’re on it. Assuming of course, it’s still inhabited and the melting of the glaciers hasn’t rendered the simple act of rubbing one out in poor taste, if not malapropos!

Which begs the question, do underwater creatures masturbate?

Or, a Kiwi may wish to purchase a super duper, wifi-enabled, pecker puller and wants it delivered by overnight express, who are we to argue. We’ll be shipping it out even before the ink, on the packing slip, is dry. Assuming of course, it’s not a fraudulent transaction paid for, using a credit card that was hacked by the Mongolian Mafia and later offered for sale on the Dark Web leaving us SOL.

Masturbation is masturbation is masturbation regardless where you come from or what species you belong to.

There may be variations in technique but that’s the kind of behind the scenes navel gazing, we’ll be looking to exploit … oops, typo. Meant to say, explore. In depth.

Expect – in the not-to-distant future – we’ll be putting a call out for comedic materials, produced in languages other than English and originating from regions, other than the Five Eyes i.e., Australia, Canada, New Zealand, the United States and the United Kingdom.

Should you have any ideas on how we might kick-start that process, don’t hesitate to contact us.

However, to be fair, we’re not there, quite yet.

The operative word being yet.

Let’s get the website up and ticking like a well-oiled machine and then, we’ll talk turkey.

In Case You’re Wondering?

Even with just a quick once over, you’ll soon discover that we are not set up like a classic sex toy shop — whatever that is. Given the dynamic nature of the web, things like ‘look and feel,’ can change in the span of time it takes to hit “update.”

Why have we chosen to go against the grain?

Because we can.

Won’t it make it harder to instill confidence?

Perhaps.

But here’s the deal. We do not think of ourselves, much less identify ourselves, as an ecommerce website per se. We are only selling sex toys as a means to an end; as a way of supporting ourselves so we can continue to offer iconoclastic content. Plus, we are loathe to sell our souls to the dictates of excessive monitoring, annoying popups, and videos that creepily pursue you as you scroll up and down a page.

“If I want to look at something, I know how to click on a button. And if I don’t want to look at something. Then leave me the [bleep, bleep] alone. I’d appreciate it, thank you very much, if you’d let me decide if and when I want to take a closer look at something. Pardon me for asking? But when did perusing — in peace — go out of style.”

The other thing you’ll notice, if you haven’t already, is the fact that our subtitle changes when you click on it.

What’s that all about?

Euphemisms.

Given the sensitive nature of masturbation, and it’s acceptance as a healthy and necessary practice that at best, keeps us all sane, and at worst, gives us a moment of guilty pleasure – God forbid!!! – we thought it would be fun to introduce you to some of the covert expressions that have been coined over the years to describe what is for most of us, our first encounter with sex, and by no means, out last. Just for fun, we’ve added some polite, and not so polite expressions that have been used to describe our private parts.

Finally, another feature and not a bug – notice our choice of words – to be aware of, as it pertains to Fapware.com, is our stance on privacy. We are adamant about protecting not only your privacy, but ours too. Privacy preservation has been baked in to our website from the get-go.

To that end, we support the use of anonymity, pseudonyms, encryption — we strongly urge you to use a VPN, i.e., one not secretly owned by China or Russia or Isreal; certificates and encryption; and sponsorships or advertising that has not been compromised with intrusive, over-reaching ad tech.

Modus Operandi

Another bit of missed – information you should be aware of has to do with The Treasure Chest, our online shop.

We have no intention of putting up a fully-stocked adult toy store. If you read this far, you got that already.

Rather, we plan to grow our website organically and let it evolve over time.

With that objective in mind, we will be introducing, at most 1, 2, possibly 3 products per week. And don’t be surprised, if instead of selling you the product directly, we send you back to the manufacturer or we direct you to another online vendor that features a much larger selection of sex toys then we are able to provide. What we can offer in lieu of a gazillion brands to choose from, is a thorough vetting of select (read: hand-curated, no pun intended) products that we’ll confidently recommend to our Fapware aficionados.

In keeping with the theme of the site, most of our descriptions – fingers crossed – will be zany and off-the-wall but we promise, the bulk of the information provided won’t be all exaggerated claims and unrealistic expectations.

Might that might be a sticking point?

Maybe.

But hey, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

After all, isn’t that why the good Lord invented Product Reviews? And isn’t that why, on the sixth day, before wrapping things up, He decreed: Let there be Assurances, Caveats, and Specifications.

In short, we’ll do our best to provide you with enough (bona fide) information to help you make informed decisions.

Expect no arm-twisting or hard sell.

You may be a kid-at-heart, but you’re still an adult and know what you want. At least, that is the assumption we are operating under.

One final piece of advice to keep in mind, no matter where you procure your pleasure-pleasing paraphernalia:

Caveat Emptor!

FOLLOW Us. Putty, Putty, Please

Credits
The following modifications have been made to this graphic: 1) the filename has been changed to conform to the Fapware.com naming convention; 2) the colors have been desaturated; and 3) text has been added.

Social Media: Pixabay – Pixelkult. Free for commercial use. URL: https://pixabay.com/photos/media-social-media-apps-998990/ .

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